--and Help Others Do the Same:
Conquer Self-Defeating Behavior on the Job"
by Mark Goulston - Published, 2005
Book Notes by Wendy Kincade, 2009
Estimated Read Time: 20 minutes
Procrastinating
1. We procrastinate not because we are lazy, but because we are overwhelmed.
2. Ask a buddy for help – set up a regular time each week to check in with each other and hold each other accountable. (Eliciting the assistance of a friend or coworker who is on your side, but who doesn’t enable you, can help.)
3. Select the top two tasks for which you are currently procrastinating. Don’t select more than two or you will continue to feel overwhelmed.
4. Continue to work with your buddy until your two tasks are done. Then pick two more tasks and work together on those.
Getting Defensive
1. When there is no threat of attack, acting defensively comes off as offensive.
2. Make a list of all the people with whom you tend to argue.
3. Write an “A” next to those you believe are saying to you, “I’m right and you’re wrong.”
4. Write a “B” if you believe the person is really saying “I’m not wrong.”
5. Approach the “B” people and explain to them what you think you are saying to them during an argument (regarding who is right and who is wrong), and ask them to share what they think they are saying regarding this.
6. Now do the same thing with the “A” people.
Staying Too Long in a Job You Should Leave
To tell if a situation is one in which you should cut your losses, ask yourself, “If I had it to do all over again, would I? If so, why? If not, why not? And why do I continue trying?”
Taking the Bait
1. Identify situations in which you are most likely to be baited and the people most likely to do the baiting.
2. Don’t try to win them over. Just adopt a principle of doing what is fair and reasonable.
3. When baited, don’t react. Remain quiet (but pleasant) and say nothing.
4. The people trying to bait you will most likely become agitated and will confront you again. Let them do so, but continue to remain quiet.
5. Your response to baiting could be something like this: “It’s clear to me that you are upset or frustrated with me, but I’m less clear what it is about. Tell me what it is you’d like me to do going forward, and if it’s fair and reasonable, I’ll be happy to oblige.”
Not Delegating
1. Think of the task you want to delegate.
2. If necessary, break the task down into smaller, more manageable sub-tasks.
3. Select an appropriate delegatee.
4. Train the delegatee: 1) You do, they watch; 2) They do, you watch; 3) They “teach” you or another.
Talking Over or At Others
1. Never talk over, and rarely talk at, others. At the very least, talk to them, but mostly, look for opportunities to talk with them.
2. Check your style by the response you are getting—look for distancing body language.
3. Check for the existence of a monologue—look for removed listening.
4. Check for the defensiveness of the diatribe – look for chins stuck out or chins stuck in.
Being Competent, but Out of Touch
Talk to people and listen to find out what misperceptions you may both be operating from.
Misperceptions of How Others View You
Believing You Are: / When Others Perceive You As:
Shrewd / Sly
Confident / Arrogant
Humorous / Inappropriate
Energetic / Hyper
Strong Opinions / Opinionated
Passionate / Impulsive
Strong / Rigid
Detail-oriented / Nitpicking
Quiet / Passive
Flexible / Indecisive
Misperceptions You May Have About Others
When You Think They Are: / They May Really Be:
Moved by passion / Moved by facts
Moved by facts / Moved by passion
Fun-loving / Serious
Serious / Fun-loving
Looking for a reason to buy in / Looking for a reason to buy out
Looking for a reason to buy out / Looking for a reason to buy in
Wanting to be told / Wanting to be asked
Needing to be convinced / Ready to buy
Ready to buy / Needing to be convinced
Excited about you or your company / Thinking you or your company is a dog
Not Listening
1. The more you listen to where people are coming from, the more they’ll let you take them where you want them to go.
2. Look into their eyes when they are speaking.
3. As they speak, answer these questions in your mind:
a. What are they saying to me?
b. Why are they saying it? (What is the reason?)
c. What are they hoping I will do after I have heard them?
d. What are they worried I might do after I have heard them?
e. When they are done, ask them if the answers you came up with match what they had hoped to communicate.
Lacking Self-Discipline
1. Lack of self-discipline is not a character flaw. It is a habit that needs replacing.
2. Enroll people who are frustrated with your lack of self-discipline in your self-improvement program.
Wasting Time
1. Start with a very short list of weekly high priority goals. Accomplish these for four weeks, then move to monthly goals.
2. List all the ways you can accomplish these goals. Be sure to also include those things you need to stop doing as well as the things you need to start doing.
3. Each morning, wait to check e-mail or make phone calls until after at least one important thing has been completed.
4. Practice saying “no.” If you can’t say “no,” have someone do it for you.
5. If you find yourself distracted, figure out what is frustrating you and take an exercise break.
6. Ask someone to help you achieve better, doable results.
Thinking You Are Indispensable
Make a list of things you do that you believe no one but you can do. Now make a list of people who can do those things.
People Pleasing
1. If you sacrifice being respected in order to be liked, you won’t be either.
2. Make a list of people whose increased respect for you would make you more successful.
3. Identify one specific, observable, and consistent behavior you could adopt that you believe would increase one of these individual’s respect for you.
4. Now ask the individual if the behavior you have chosen would, in fact, improve your relationship with them. If they say “no,” then ask them what behavior they believe would improve the relationship.
5. Once a new behavior has been agreed upon, do it. Check in occasionally with the individual to find out what effect they believe the new behavior is having.
Feeling Guilty
1. Don’t confuse feeling guilty with being guilty.
2. When you feel guilty about an action involving you and someone else, ask yourself:
a. What is the other person’s responsibility? What expectation do I have of them? Is my expectation fair and reasonable, given their position and job responsibilities?
b. What is my responsibility? Am I assuming more than I need to or should?
3. Make a list of all the people who currently cause you to feel guilty and ask the same questions about your role and theirs.
4. If there is confusion, don’t make false assumptions. Instead, have a conversation with the people you feel guilty about to clarify expectations and responsibilities.
Not Being Able to Take No for an Answer (Sales)
1. The better your backup plan, the easier it will be to take “no” for an answer.
2. Don’t put all your hopes in one basket.
3. Imagine what valuable offer you might give the other person next time that might turn things around.
Not Forgiving
1. Think of a person you cannot forgive. Rate on a scale of 1 to 10 how angry you still are with them (1 = not at all; 10 = wishing an anvil would fall on their head.)
2. Now try to imagine why they did it. Unless they are truly evil, you will most likely discover that what they did was more about their way of coping with something than their desire to assault you for no reason.
3. Now rate your anger again. It should have lowered. Continue this process for as long as you want to continue lowering your anger toward the person.
4. Renounce OUTLOUD whatever anger you have left. Anger can be a demon that takes control over you. You want your life back.
Panicking
1. When you focus on what needs to be done today, and then just do it, you stop being afraid of what might happen tomorrow.
2. Next time you feel panic, say to yourself, “You just dumped a bunch of adrenaline into your bloodstream, your pulse and your blood pressure have shot up. Your body, not your brain, is running the show now, so you think you are in danger. And you’re probably not.” Now stop whatever you are doing, get up out of your chair, and take a fast walk outside or up and down the stairs. Take control of the monkey chatter in your brain by doing something mundane, routine, and emotionally neutral.
3. Just let time pass.
Quitting Too Soon
1. You have more control over trying or quitting than you do over succeeding or failing.
2. Think of the last time you quit a job, and review the positive and negative consequences of having done so.
3. Look at the present situation and assess the pros and cons of quitting at this time.
4. Make a list of your other options; include the pluses and minuses of each one.
5. Ask someone who can be objective and nonjudgmental to help you assess the situation.
6. If you are still inclined to quit, ask yourself why, and why now?
7. If you decide to stay, enlist the help and support of someone you can count on.
Using Jargon
1. If it’s important for people to understand what you are saying, it is important to make what you are saying understandable.
2. Watch the person’s body language—jargon is a way of talking over or at others.
3. Ask people to explain what they understand of what you have told them.
4. Monitor results. If you’re not getting what you expected, it may be because others aren’t comprehending what you are saying.
5. Develop a buddy system with others who speak Jargonese who would also like to improve their communication effectiveness. Ask them to point out when you are using jargon unnecessarily and offer to do the same for them.
Worrying About What Others Think
1. Don’t confuse feelings with facts.
2. Resist discounting yourself.
3. If you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, recognize that no one is perfect. Ask yourself what you might have done differently. Write the answer down.
4. Avoid office gossip.
5. Don’t become defensive. If you are told something about you that is upsetting to you, don’t get into a debate. Instead, ask the person what you should do going forward.
Fear of Learning New Things
1. Just because you think you can’t learn new things, doesn’t mean you can’t.
2. When facing a situation where you think you can’t learn something, pause and remember three times when you were convinced that you couldn’t learn something, but did.
3. Remember what tools, assistance, and strategies you employed to learn the new skills.
4. What steps did you take to learn the new skills? How can those steps help you now?
5. Learn something new every day so you don’t become so incapacitated by fear when you have to learn something new and important in the future.
Being Too Blunt
1. If you want to get your point across, be direct; if you want to destroy any chance of doing so, be blunt.
2. Next time you are tempted to spout off, count to three first. If what you have to say is more about getting attention or being critical rather than constructive, hold your fire.
3. Ask yourself what you are trying to accomplish by being blunt.
4. If you think you don’t care what people think about you, ask yourself why you are working so hard to get a reaction out of them.
5. Respect other’s boundaries, or cross them at your peril.
6. Find someone whose communication style you admire and work to emulate it.
7. Next time you are tempted to react, think of a loving person in your life who accepts you for who you are and not for what you say. Then ask yourself how this loving person would deal with the situation.
Being Closed Off to Input
1. When someone close to you whom you believe to be on your side offers a suggestion, bite your lip and listen to it. In fact, ask them to tell you whenever they see you doing something that is self-defeating.
2. When someone at work offers you input, pause and listen, then say, “Thank you for the suggestion. You’ll have to pardon my reaction, but when I get input that I am not expecting, it always catches me off guard.”
3. Next time you shut off input, rethink the situation. Recall people from your life who you respect, then ask yourself how they would handle the situation.
4. If possible, seek those people out and ask them directly for their input.
5. Counter your possible slide into self-righteousness by thinking of three things about yourself that makes you difficult to deal with.
Being Unprepared
The respect you gain by being prepared is only exceeded by the respect you lose when you’re not prepared.
Being Afraid to Fire People
1. If you want to give your competition a great advantage, hold on to the people you should get rid of.
2. The best way to avoid having to fire a bad employee is to hire the right one in the first place.
Expecting Your Boss to Appreciate You
1. When asking for a raise or promotion, ask yourself first why you think you deserve it.
2. Pick a time when you have recently achieved a big win for your boss.
3. Be considerate, and never ask for anything inappropriate or at an inappropriate time.
4. Have high hopes and realistic expectations, but don’t count on anything.
Fear of Giving or Receiving Performance Reviews
The chance to do something right in the future is much more motivating than having to do penance for something done wrong in the past.
Receiving Feedback
1. Select superiors, peers, and subordinates who have a stake in your being more effective (those who would benefit from your improved performance).
2. Tell them you are working on improving your effectiveness in working with them.
3. Ask them to tell you what observable and distinct behaviors you could improve upon.
4. Listen without becoming defensive. Be objective. Ask them to elaborate on anything that is unclear to you.
Giving Feedback
1. Give corrective feedback on an ongoing basis (before problems gain momentum).
2. Ask the employee to do a self-assessment before the formal review takes place.
3. Dissipate your fear-based awkwardness by talking openly about your discomfort.
4. Focus more on future goals and effective performance.
Confusing Dumping with Venting
1. Realize that when you go on and on (endlessly or on different occasions) about something that is bothering you, you are not venting, you are dumping—turning sympathizers and people who root for you into ones who root against you. Your rant may make you feel better, but it makes others feel worse.
2. Check yourself. Remember the conversation. If you dumped, apologize for having done so. Ask them to help you decipher whether you were venting or dumping.
3. Realize that venting may bring you relief, but it doesn’t solve the problem. Develop a more effective way to deal with the people and situations that frustrate you.
Fear of Confrontation
1. You can’t afford to work with someone you root against.
2. Take out a sheet of paper and draw a vertical line down the center.
3. On the left side, write down the names of the negative people that suck the life out of you and whom you dread seeing.
4. On the right side, write the names of all the people who give you energy and motivate you.
5. Find a principle and stand up for it.
6. Confront the negative people by showing them that you regret that you are beginning to root against them.
7. Make a commitment to minimize the time you spend with energy drainers and maximize your time with energy suppliers.
Making Excuses
1. An explanation is, purely and simply, an excuse—despite the fact that some people try to ennoble themselves by saying, “This is an explanation, not an excuse.” Explanations don’t excuse—and excuses don’t excuse either.
2. Recognize when you have made a mistake as soon as you can. (Guideline: If you wouldn’t want it on the front page of the newspaper, it was probably a mistake).
3. When you make a mistake, take responsibility immediately. Don’t offer explanations unless they are asked for, and then only in the service of an honest apology.
4. Create a plan for doing damage control, for correcting the mistake so it doesn’t recur, and for making amends to all injured parties, so that everyone can get back on track as soon as possible. 5. Mistakes are not about punishment, retaliation, or humiliation. They are opportunities to learn.
Focusing on Your Weaknesses
Don’t let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. Over time, your weaknesses generally become worse. And if you focus too much on them, so, too, will your strengths.
Being Impulsive
1. It takes twenty years to build a reputation, but only five minutes to destroy it.
2. Become physically aware of whether or not you are in reactive mode – one of the earliest signs of reactive mode are feelings of prickliness, tightness in the stomach or neck, light-headedness, etc.
3. Become emotionally aware of feeling excited, worried, frustrated, afraid, hurt, etc.
4. Become aware of whatever impulse the emotion is compelling you to want to do.
5. Become aware of the consequences of acting on that impulse.
6. Become aware of other, better options.
7. Become aware of the benefits of choosing another option.
Becoming Frustrated
1. Fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration, and resentment.
2. You can’t be grateful and frustrated at the same time.
3. Recognize when you are feeling frustrated.
4. Counter the slide into feeling like a victim by thinking of three things about your job or the person who is frustrating you that you are grateful for.
5. Ask yourself “Do I just want to get even, or do I want to become more effective at dealing with this type of situation?
6. What will be the consequences if I just focus on getting even?
Being Thin-Skinned
1. Make a list of situations in which you historically get your feelings hurt, feel disappointed, or become angry.
2. Ask yourself what it is you want and need from the people involved. Then think about what you are likely to receive from them if you ask them.
3. Adjust your expectations to the response you are likely to receive from someone or to what the result will be from that situation.
4. Have a backup plan ready in case you receive less than what you expect.
5. Practice setting emotional boundaries by checking in with your emotions and directing yourself to “stop” when you catch yourself taking things too personally.
Not Learning from Your Mistakes
1. Making a mistake doesn’t make you a failure, but failure to admit your mistake might.
2. Admit mistakes as soon as you can. If you feel defensive about something, that might be a hint that it’s time to admit the mistake to yourself and others.
3. Once you have recognized the mistake, ask yourself:
a. What do I need to do now to control the damage?
b. What should I have done differently?
c. What should I be on the lookout for in the future as early warning signs, so as not to repeat the mistake?
4. Admit the mistake to others as soon as possible and provide them with your answers to the above questions.
Not Getting Buy-In
1. Next time you want buy-in from someone or a group of people make sure that what you say makes sense, feels right, and is doable.
2. Frequently, however, something may make sense to a person, but won’t feel right or doable because they are already committed to something else.
3. Generate buy-in by getting people to participate in the process of seeing opportunities and overcoming obstacles by asking the following questions:
a. What do you see as the top three opportunities?
b. Do you think these opportunities actually exist?
c. What are the top three obstacles that prevent us from taking advantage of these opportunities?
d. Who would need to do more of what, and stop doing what, in order to take advantage of these opportunities?
4. Practice active listening—the more people feel heard, the more likely they are to listen.
Being Devious
1. First acknowledge that you are devious. Deviousness is a habit; an addiction.
2. Accept that you have to change your behavior going forward.
3. Act henceforth with the understanding that what you put out, you get back.
4. Repair the damage to others by:
a. Demonstrating remorse
b. Performing acts of restitution
c. Demonstrating your rehabilitation
Typecasting
1. When you jump to conclusions about where people are coming from, they will resist going where you want them to go.
2. Think of how you have felt when you have been typecast.
3. Resist the impulse to see others as functions rather than as people with talents and skills.
4. When working on a project or problem together, focus on the issue or task, not the person.
5. Check out your assumptions before acting on them.
Setting Your Expectations Too Low
1. Work to overcome your fear of disappointment.
2. Establish stretch goals by asking yourself the Impossibility Question – “What would be impossible to do, that if you could do it, would dramatically accelerate your results?
3. Figure out the first step and take it.
Assuming Others Understand You
1. Check in with your listeners by asking them to tell you what they understand of what you just told them.
2. Tape record yourself. During playback, listen for instances where you are not communicating clearly or where you are whining, pontificating, etc. Ask a friend or family member to listen with you and help you by providing feedback.
Fear of Failing
1. It’s not the fear of failure that stops you, but the fear of not being able to handle your reaction when it happens.
2. When faced with something you’re afraid to do, ask yourself “What’s the worst thing that will happen if I fail?” Then ask yourself “What is the worst thing that will happen if I don’t even try? 3. Ask others to share with you their stories of overcoming failure.
Twelve Steps to Getting Out of Your Own Way at Work
1. Read through [the aforementioned items] and make a list of all the self-defeating behaviors you most identify with.
2. Add to the list any other behaviors you think may be applicable.
3. Ask trusted friends, family members, and colleagues (your stakeholders) to go through the table of contents and identify the self-defeating behaviors they believe are a problem for you.
4. Ask them to add other behaviors they think may be applicable.
5. Rate to what degree you engage in these self-defeating behaviors on a scale of 1 to 3 (1 = very little; 2 = somewhat; 3 = frequently).
6. Have your stakeholders rate the degree to which they observe you engaging in the behaviors.
7. Once you have collected all the responses, rank the self-defeating behaviors in order of importance. (Hint: The most important will be the behavior that causes others to lose the most trust and confidence in you or respect for you, and conversely, the one that, if corrected, will most rapidly help you regain their trust and confidence.)
8. Select the top two most self-defeating behaviors that you want to overcome and read the pertinent chapters.
9. As you progress, ask your stakeholders’ permission to contact them every month to see what they notice with regard to your behavior.
10. Persevere. Remember, it takes a month for a change in behavior to become a habit, and a minimum of six months to a year for a habit to become part of your personality.
11. After you have overcome your first two self-defeating behaviors, repeat steps 1 through 9.
12. Once you have practiced the approach above and have seen it work (i.e. succeed), you will be able to assist others in learning how to get out of their own way.
